Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I'm not moving on...

... I'm moving forward.

Today, I start nursing school. I was running errands this morning thinking about all of the things I think about all the time (it's exhausting to be in my head), and I decided that I want to share my thoughts with those I love. And maybe in the process, I'll even share my thoughts with people I don't even know, but who need to hear someone else voice her inner thoughts.

I'm sitting here in front of my computer wearing my "shooting star" earrings from my best friend, flip flops I rescued from Betsy's Goodwill pile, my first "grownup" watch, a shirt I bought yesterday for $5 at Target with a dear friend, and jeans that I successfully removed quite a bit of blue Sharpie ink from within a week after I bought them (rubbing alcohol. Brilliant stuff. I love Google.). I'm texting a friend who is already sitting at campus, trying to figure out what time we need to get there to lay claim to "our seats" (second row, middle-ish seats). And I'm thinking about how many things in my life have changed since that last post I wrote in May of last year.

I'm a completely different person. It's strange. It's not in a "all of my values have changed and you wouldn't recognize me at all" kind of way. It's in a "my capacity for understanding and coping with those around me has grown and grown and grown and I'm living in the tension of multiple ideas/realities." That's a quote from my head. I still believe there is ultimate Truth, but I think I know more than ever that I have no idea what that means. I believe God will help me navigate the tension and bring me through it. There have been some painfully sweet experiences in my past year that have changed me, and as much as they hurt (both past and present tense), I wouldn't trade them for anything. My capacity for love and relationship has expanded.

I'm rambling, and it's been a while since I've actually written anything down except for myself, but what this post is about is this: I'm committing myself to a new mindset. But I'm not moving on, because the connotation of that is that I'll leave the feelings I have in the past. That is not what I'm doing. I'm simply going to consciously allow my capacity for existence to expand some more. Those feelings, the amazing friendships and relationships I've formed over the past year (let's be honest, I'm really talking about over the past 25 years!) aren't being left in the past. They're simply moving to a new place in my consciousness so I have room for the new, more present feelings, friendships, and relationships.

That being said, if you're reading this, you're valuable to me. Even if you're not someone I've met, you are now a part of my story in as much a way as anyone.

Let's choose life today.